DATING & RELATIONSHIPS

September 19, 2022

***Please note: I do not consider myself an expert on this subject. I am simply sharing from personal experiences, as well as, lessons I have learned from others.***

About a month ago, I was asked out on a date. But. Instantly declined. 

Having spent the past 2 years single now, I found myself wondering how I would even begin dating again. Dating (and relationships) were major challenges for me in the past- which is partially the reason why I haven't dated much or been in many relationships. However, knowing that I will eventually begin dating again, I figured it is important to consider the type of partner I should want- in the least.

After noting prior relationship errors- with, both, myself and ex-boyfriends, and even recalling past "dating and relationship" advice, I have learned a number of lessons. Lessons I feel will better prepare me for my future partner. Today, I will share many of them with you.

Dating

When I was 16-years old, I attended a youth conference. One of the seminars, during the conference, solely focused on “dating & relationships.” A great deal of advice was offered, and at the end, the spokesperson asked each of us to create a list of what our ideal partner would be. Later, we were asked to share a few of our idealistic partner's qualities aloud. (I had about 60 detailed “must-haves” on mine.) Once we had finished, the spokesperson asked everyone, “Will you offer most- if not all, of the same qualities?” I honestly felt as though I would; however, many of my associates disagreed to do so. For example, most of the boys desired women, who could cook and clean; although they had no desire to do either- even if their partner worked. Some of the girls wanted men who could give them extravagant gifts and pay all of their bills- while they offered no monetary contribution in return. (To each its own.)

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Years following, I came to appreciate this particular lesson. It demonstrated the first important step in the dating process: NOTE exactly what you are looking for in a partner before pursuing them; ensuring you offer similar qualifications. You never know if your ideal partner is looking for similar qualities. For example: I believe in God. I am a hard-working, educated woman. I have never married- nor do I have children. I do not care for bars/clubs, alcohol, or smoking. I do not have tattoos or piercings. I love animals, traveling, and helping people. I also love to cook and clean (OCD- according to my doctor lol)... My future partner will have to offer ALL of these qualities.

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Additional pointers I would add, when dating, is:

• Make sure you are ready. It is so easy to assume you are ready for a relationship, when you are indeed not. If you have trust issues or even find it difficult to "truly" love after heartbreak, then it may be best to stay single and heal. Otherwise, you risk introducing a lot of unnecessary pain to your future partner. (Trust me. I am unfortunately guilty of this.)
• Be yourself. Refuse to change for the acceptance of your ideal partner- or anyone for that matter. 
• Find your equal. I know people say opposites attract, but I would advise finding someone who is similar to you- rather than opposite. It can potentially prevent a lot of conflict.
• Refrain from settling. Explore your options. If you do not feel a connection with the current person you are dating, stop entertaining them and move on.
• Watch out for “red flags.” If the person is married, but “allegedly” in the process of divorcing; repeatedly lies, attempts to pressure you into doing things you don’t want to do, (etc.), MOVE ON.
• Ask lots of questions to get to know the person. For example: Where they are from? Current job? Do they have a family?
• Have important conversations. Talk about goals for the future early on- including marriage and kids. Additionally, having a conversation about sex is important- especially if you are presently practicing abstinence. 
• Do your own personal background check. The news often depicts reasons why we should be extra cautious when dating. I personally feel it is best to get to know more about the person- aside from what they tell you. Search their social media accounts and/or perform a general search- using internet search engines. You would be surprised at what you can find on the internet about a person. (Take my history of speeding tickets for example lol).

Relationships

After finding your ideal person and dating for some time, the two of you should decide if you are officially going to be a couple... and make it known. I know of circumstances, where individuals who had dated awhile, automatically assumed they were in a relationship; however, their partner was exploring other options, because it wasn’t officially agreed that they were. So, definitely get clarification.

If the two of you decide to be in a relationship, there are several KEY POINTS to remember:

• Be slow to speak and quick to listen. Try to listen and understand your partner- especially during disagreements. You may not always be right. 
• Communicate. Discuss any and all problems you may have… in a RESPECTFUL manner.
• Take care of them- this includes emotionally and spiritually. Relationships are not about materialistic things or sex. Frequently compliment, encourage, and reassure your partner. 
• Work together. One thing I was grateful for in my previous relationship was mutual-work. While I often attempted to work and attend school, then rush home to cook, clean, and have laundry done- prior to my partner getting home from work, he always encouraged me to take time for myself, and leave all (or at least some) housework for him. I disputed each time- as I believed it was my job as a woman, and having an incredible man who treated me as a Queen made me desire to treat him as a King. However, on his off days, he took the initiative to cook, clean, and do laundry. I have to admit that I was appreciative of this reciprocation- especially since I did not have to ask. It allotted me time to relax in between school and work. Additionally, we, both, paid bills, scheduled date nights, and even surprised one another, weekly- either with tangible gifts or surprise trips. We also prayed together! I loved this for us. I guess you can say that we were not the "typical" couple. In fact, while most couples argued about what the other would not do, we argued over wanting to do too much for one another (lol). Moving forward, I will not settle for someone who refuses to collaborate in this manner.
• Support one another. Always support your partner. This includes engaging in their dreams, as well as, celebrating milestones- big or small. For example, if your significant other receives “employee of the month”, then celebrate it. I probably went over the top with decorations and dinners for my previous partner, but I desired for him to know that I was proud of his accomplishments; no matter what they were.
• Give each other space. A lot of times we feel our partners cannot do anything without us- including enjoying time alone. However, you need to allot “me” time. Otherwise, you, both, may find yourselves suffocating in the relationship and possibly desire to end it. 
• Be open and honest about issues. If there are any issues you may have with your partner, be upfront and honest about them. Do not avoid any problems. This will only worsen issues. If you cannot be 100% real with your partner, then leave them, so that they may find someone who will.
• Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want your partner doing. Be mindful and respectful (and faithful). There is no reason to be disloyal to your partner- especially when you can freely walk away. If your unhappy, move on and find your happiness- and grant them the opportunity to do the same.

Conclusion

Dating isn’t something that should be rushed- just as love isn’t something that should be forced. Be patient. If you wait long enough, the right person is bound to come around. Utilize your “waiting period” to focus on yourself! On the other hand, if you are currently in a relationship, and see that it may not work out, do not succumb to anything in an attempt to make your partner happy. Move on. The two of you should find your happiness elsewhere.